Fenves Sues SPEOPLE Over Sexiest SPerson Alive Snub

After an exhaustive search evaluating every SPerson on Emory’s campus, SPEOPLE proudly announced its selection of Provost Jan Love as Sexiest SPerson Alive, granting her the coveted title and a $5 meal voucher at participating Wendy’s locations. Though SPEOPLE stands by its selection, other candidates have been less than impressed. The following is a letter from President Gregory L. Fenves’ attorney, law professor and Emory Whig idol Paul J. Zwier II.

Dear SPEOPLE Scullions, Rampallians, and Fustilarians,

Your publication’s selection of Jan Love as Sexiest SPerson Alive was a grievous, nigh-unforgivable error. The magnitude of SPEOPLE’s blunder is compounded by the reality that there were only ever three contenders. Sorry to disappoint all you freshmen who haven’t set foot on Emory’s photogenic (read attractive in strategically Instagrammable locations) grounds yet. If its editors held even a scrap of the intelligence held by a common gnat, or Kappa Sig brother, though that may be too harsh to common gnats, Speople would have selected my client, Gregory L. Fenves.

The candidates were evaluated on myriad criteria, from intelligence to raw animal magnetism. Clearly, Fenves embodies every quality of a Sexiest SPerson alive. Witnesses knew Fenves was the right choice when they first saw him with his mask on. I present a quote from a sworn affidavit by selection committee chair, witness, and longtime Fenves stan Randy Thirstford. “I immediately wanted to rip that thing off and make him tell me about campus onboarding restrictions. Talk practical to me, COVID daddy!”

Physically, Fenves is the epitome of Sexiest SPerson Alive material. Again, I present material from Thirstford’s sworn testimony. “There’s definitely a reason UT Austin made him the dean of the Cockrell School of Engineering. Let’s just say he knows a thing or two about load-bearing columns. And he’s tough! Did you see how he took down that Jefferson Davis statue and tamed that horse? He’s an authentic Texas cowboy! I’d let him rustle my cattle, if you know what I mean.” I’m not sure what he means, but Thirstford’s logic is undeniable.

“He’s the nicest guy too,” Thirstford testified. “Fenves’ friends call him Gregory, and his real friends call him Greg, and his realest friends call him Greggers, but don’t tell anyone,” he admonished. Perhaps Mr. Thirstford doesn’t understand how sworn testimony works. At any rate, Greggers has the body, brain, and personality to be SPEOPLE’s Sexiest SPerson Alive. He’s got COVID-19 on the run, though it remains to be seen whether Greggers has what it takes to tame the Eagle Row hand, foot, and mouth disease epidemic.

Better still, Fenves has the (grudging) endorsement of the Lord of Misrule and closest thing Emory has to school spirit, fellow SPEOPLE reject Gregory L. Dooley. Lord Dooley also agreed to provide sworn testimony, on the condition that he be allowed to whine about being passed over. “I can’t believe I’ve been passed up like this,” testified Dooley. “What has Jan Love got that I haven’t? She hasn’t shown anything close to the level of dedication I have. I’m recovering from my second gender reassignment surgery in four years, for Swoop’s sake!” said Dooley with what appeared to be indignation, though it’s rather hard to tell since he doesn’t have a face.

When Dooley learned he was ineligible for the title, he said under oath, “Fenves deserves to win. If I have to read another Emory Forward email by or about Jan Love, I’m done. This entire ‘diverse, inclusive university community’ can agree that another goddamn email is not going to improve jack shit. Hey Jan, I’ve got a Community Compact for you! How about you save yourself the effort of writing emails and focus on stopping professors from drowning students in discussion board assignments while they try not to collapse under isolation-induced depression and anxiety about their older family and friends dying of what feels like the reincarnation of the Black Death? ‘For you, for us, for Emory,’ that sounds like a better plan.” After providing his testimony, Lord Dooley retreated to his quarantine bunker in the Cox Bridge clock tower, where he occupies himself by ensuring none of the clock faces ever show the same time.

My client and I will be pursuing compensation from SPEOPLE Magazine in no less than a $5 meal Wendy’s voucher equivalent to that conferred upon Provost Love, a complete Kaldi’s punch card (for emotional damages), and a formal statement that President Fenves “can get it.”

Sincerely,
Professor Paul J. Zwier II, Esq.
Partner, Zwier and Zwassociates
Recipient of Recovering Racists’ “Most Improved” Award 2020
Days since last N-word incident: 5.5