5 Female Celebrity Body Updates to Satisfy Your Weird Obsession With Famous People and Their Anatomy

1. Rihanna seemed to gain exactly 7/8 of a pound

Initial reports that she had gained 1 whole pound are false, we have an entire division of our tech department doing a constant analysis, we checked, it’s 7/8. It seems Ms. Fenty is expecting!! Or it could be water weight from the bottle of Voss we saw her drinking from. Anyway, any guesses on who the lucky father is? We think it's Jeff Bezos. No, we won’t elaborate on that.

2. Issa Rae was nominated for two Emmys this year. Who gives a fuck! Yesterday, she wore ripped jeans to Wholefoods!

So unique, so perfectly styled. Wait, we have a source telling us where she got them… URBAN OUTFITTERS! I can’t handle this, this is just too special. She was also wearing Gucci sunglasses because she’s famous and can afford nicer things than you. Cry about it, broke bitch.

3. Jennifer Lopez was on the beach with A-Rod because they’re married, remember?

Anyway, she’s 51, looks better than you ever will in a bikini, and has sex more than you can probably even imagine with her rich baseball player husband. We wouldn’t mind rounding her bases to get to home plate! Baseball pun 2, baseball pun 3, nothing in life matters.

4. KRISTEN WIIG GOT A HAIRCUT!

Holy shit, holy shit. BANGS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

5. Gigi Hadid recently gave birth to her beautiful baby girl!

Gigi’s body has already snapped back into model perfection, and we’re dying for more precious baby photos. So we snuck into her backyard, climbed up to the second story using a conveniently placed lemon tree, entered the house through an unlocked window, and snapped this heartwarming photo of her B.R.E.A.S.T.F.E.E.D.I.N.G! Score, amiright? She just whipped her whole left titty out right in front of us, which we assume means the other one was sore from the day before? Totally sick. Couldn’t get a shot of the nipple though, which is a total bummer. Just use your imagination to fill in the blanks on this sideboob pic we snapped.

Now let’s examine this. Why did this excite you? Why do you care how celebrities’ stomachs fold while they’re building a sand castle with their adopted child of a different race? We know seeing how hot Rihanna is in literally anything she wears does not make you feel any better about yourself. So what is it? Masochism? Helpless clinging to how you felt when you first saw Britney Spears in lowrise jeans? Masking your untreated depression? That must be it. The hopeless marathon away from the impending doom of depression that will soon engulf you. Anyway, tweet us and let us know which celeb you would want to be your next Sunday brunch buddy!