Latest Celebrity Gossip Not Doing It for You? Try Following My Rat Dog’s Popping Instagram for ALL THE DRAMA

Celebrity drama is nothing like it used to be back when they all had mob connections and shit got real. All gossip today is ultimately about boring people living boring lives, printed up in boring tabloids for boring varicose-veined moms to read while they wait in line at the grocery store checkout. So maybe it’s time to take all those celebrities off their pedestals and stop breaching the personal lives of others. Instead, head on over to Instagram and follow my little white dog’s Instagram (@that_bitchon_frise) for all the drama, tea, gossip, and entertainment your heart desires.

My little white dog is named Bichon Frise, and she’s probably the most precious little thing you could ever see. Her social media presence is divine. On her main account (@that_bitchon_frise), you can find all her glamorous beauty shots; with 2.1k followers, she’s currently one of the fastest-growing rising-star kanine celebrities online. But I know you might be thinking, “Wait, doesn’t Connor the Corgi have 2.4k followers already after just one month?” This is true, but what you don’t know is that Connor is a basic bitch who shops at Petco of all places, so is that really someone with star power or celebrity potential? I don’t think so. And guess what, I heard that he also buys fake followers, which is not cool. Bichon Frise would never. Everyone should unfollow that corgi.

Another account you should unfollow is Mr. Foofles, the fat dachshund that posts workout and walk pics but never loses a single pound. Not to be fat-phobic, but Bichon is only 6.7 pounds and could fit into any swimsuit she wanted, just saying. When my best friend Stacy comments “skinny legend” on her posts, she means it.

There’s some other dogs that are more like snakes if you ask me. Maisy, for instance, is this fugly, pretentious poodle that honestly deserves to cross a busy street without a leash if you know what I mean. I DMed her asking if she wanted to do a collab or something, but she said that she was already collabing with Maxwell the Terrier. First of all, everyone knows that Maxwell was cancelled after posting a racy Tweet, so I don’t know who Maisy is thinking that racist animal is better than my precious princess. Secondly, I’m pretty sure Maxwell eats his own shit, so there’s that.

And let’s not forget about the hot mess of a pitbull named Rufus, who’s stuck in 2017, who still thinks words like “pupper” and “fluffer” are cool. No bitch, boop your droopy snoot-ass back to 2017 with all that “doggo” shit. And to make matters worse, just yesterday, Rufus posted a picture on Instagram of him eating dry dog food. Like, in 2020? Seriously? Whatever. He’s got more problems and deserves to be cyberbullied.

So basically, you should follow @that_bitchon_frise. There’s spicy gossip and hot drama on the daily that you don’t want to miss out on. Even if you’re a hater, feel free to like, share, and follow. I welcome any comments, even ones about how Bichon Frise is “the fugly love child of a mutated sewer rat and a cotton ball,” or how you’d “punt her into the sun,” to my platform as long as it increases traffic to my page, because mama needs sponsorships from pet food companies. So look her up, but don’t expect a follow back; what we have to offer is so much more valuable.