Freshman Attempts to Get COVID to Show Big-10 Friend How Much Fun They’re Having

On October 6, freshman Jason Cameron threw a temper tantrum in the middle of the WoodPEC testing center. After receiving his negative COVID-19 test results, he threw his phone across the room, stole all of the nasal swabs, and ran out of the WoodPEC screaming, “If I can’t test positive, no one tests positive!”

Cameron, who has “friends” at the University of Wisconsin and Michigan, reported feeling fed up with seeing their social media posts every weekend of them partying with reckless abandon, followed by posts of them in quarantine housing.

Cameron has been seen around campus licking door handles and rummaging around through trash cans for used coffee cups. Security had to restrain Cameron, dressed in all black with a ski mask, from climbing over the fence into CDC headquarters as he was reportedly trying to “steal infected genetic material.” Cameron said, “If I test positive for Covid, then it’s a whole mystery of like, ‘how did he get it?’ ‘I bet he was doing something cool, like drinking, or making out with a girl, or going to a party he was actually invited to instead of just showing up.’ Not that like, I don’t do those things all the time, because I do, but this way people know.”

Cameron is aware of the severity of the pandemic. “Yeah, maybe if I get Covid I could ‘give it to an old person,’ or ‘put my family at risk,’ or ‘make the pandemic worse.’ And yeah, maybe I’m being ‘irresponsible,’ and ‘reckless with human life.’ But like it’s hella worth it.”

His ex-girlfriend, Clare Fletcher, said that a week after they became exclusive he asked if he could start seeing other people. “He said it wasn’t because he wanted to break up but just so he could increase his potential for exposure. He also spent hours standing in the middle of the freshman quad holding a sign that said ‘Wanna kiss?’ which I wasn’t super comfortable with.”

When we reached out to Chasen Dale, a freshman at the University of Wisconsin, and one of Cameron closest friends from high school, according to Cameron, we asked if they were supporting their friend in his quest, Dale replied, “‘friend’ feels like a kind of generous term,” and wouldn’t continue the interview until we started referring to him as an acquaintance.

Cameron’s pediatrician, Dr. Mauci noted the time Cameron begged her to give him mono during the peak of the outbreak at his high school. “Yeah, he said something about needing mono to prove to everyone that he ‘gets kissed by girls.’”

When asked about what he would do if he got sent into quarantine, Cameron said, “Oh you know, the usual. Go on Instagram live for hours at a time, and take vlogs for my snapchat story. I probably would make some tik toks about the quarantine food. Covid in college is basically like, the road to fame.”

Unfortunately for Cameron, he did not test positive for Covid. He did, though, get kicked off campus, and was pleased to report that now he had “that rebellious vibe” going for him.