While stuck at home this fall, many students claim to be losing their edge and are on the verge of a breakdown. But fear not! This list of discreet household objects is sure to give you the release your reproductive and mental health depend on! These gratifying gadgets are guaranteed to make you merry in time for the holiday season, when relatives who shouldn’t be traveling fly 3 hours to lampoon your physical appearance and lack of a future. Not sure where to start? We here at Speople have tested out and ranked each one! Enjoy.

For penis-owners:

1. A cooze

6.5/10. Perfect for tailgating in your front yard with your neighbors in socially-distanced lawn chairs. Unfortunately, it is not the most pleasant texture and can result in chafing. But hey, if you’re holding your “drink” by your crotch, who’s looking anyway?

2. Bottle of mayonnaise

7/10. This bottle is probably actually used in cooking more than you would like to admit. On the upside, it is *very* discreet. No clean up required ;)

3. Your dog….’s chew toy filled with peanut butter

8/10. No, not your dog you filthy animal. That four-legged fiend probably thought they lost it ages ago, but little did they know that you had done some unholy things to their beloved chew toy. The peanut butter can get sticky and be a mess to wipe off, but this toy gets an 8 for its versatility as a butt plug! See “Butt Plugs”

4. The carved pumpkin your neighbors were about to throw away

9/10. We here at Speople are all about sustainability. Since it’s December and your poor pumpkin is rotting outside your front door still, put that Jack-o-lantern to good use by using it to jack off. By now, it will be extra soft and juicy ;)

5. Whatever the fuck these are.

10/10 Girls, if you’re reading this and stuck your fingers in these, you’re a lesbian now. I don’t make the rules. Honestly what’s not to love? The fun fishies, the blue slime, fingering practice...Oh yeah guys and non-binary pals can use them too I guess.

For vegana-owners—the good stuff:

1. A pillow

4/10 If you are here thinking of using this, you are either (a) too young to be reading this magazine, (b) living in a strict household where sexuality is shunned, and/or (c) heavily deprived. There isn’t much you can do with this one, but hey, it’s something.

2. A blanket in the right way

5/10 Essentially ranked the same as above but gets an extra point because you can pretend you are snuggling with that special someone you don’t have. Soft, cozy, and bundled up in your own loneliness.

3. Asking your friend to call your phone repetitively while you sit on your phone

6/10. It sure is cool to have someone call you in the middle of quarantine, but if you’re in the car and your mom is in the driver’s seat, would. not. recommend.

4. The edge of your washing machine

7/10. Lower ratings due to the lack of discreteness. Either your parents ask why you suddenly love to do laundry or worse, you get walked in on.

5. Any obscure household object if your fingers are fast enough

?/10 Coochie-carriers, please be smart with this one. Be sure to sanitize before AND after use in case Aunt Beth uses that potato masher in the cabinet for her famous Thanksgiving mashed potatoes.

6. Shower head (ladies don’t act surprised)

12/10 The oldest trick in the book. Discreet, efficient, effective, and hand-held! What more could you ask for.

Cock rings:

1. Anything from a binder ring to a towel ring

3/10 Fellas, you have to be a special level of desperate to do this.

2. A Christmas ornament (’Tis the season)

7/10 Nothing says fun and festive like decorating your mini mini-me (no literally, your pecker has to be small enough for the wire to latch on. This one is for the short kings).

3. A fidget spinner

8/10 Dust off that fidget spinner from 2017, a much simpler time. Take precautions to make sure you don’t get stuck! If you are lubed enough, it should be able to spin around your dick.

Butt plugs:

1. Door knob

3/10 Not sure how this made the list, but apparently one of our writers tried it. In this day and age of a never-ending pandemic, a vitriolic and unstable president, and no sight of a break for the next semester, I think we ALL want to ram our ass into a door knob.

2. Lightbulb

5/10 Honestly, why not. You know you have quite a few spares collected over the years. Plus, they were *designed* to screw in. Glass is quite the hazard (even if danger IS your kink). I honestly don’t think ER docs get paid enough to come from saving a trauma patient to extracting glass from your ass Operation® style.

3. Your little sister's lava lamp

8/10 The key here is to not let it break inside you, or that’s a one way ticket to DailyMail. The cool colors may even glow through you to enhance the experience.

4. Your dog's chew toy

10/10 This durable, flexible, and textured toy is the latest rave for your anal aesthetic. This also doubles as a fleshlight, see “For penis-owners”