Meghan Markle Spits Out a New Promise: She’ll Transmit COVID for Charity!

Since the Duchess of Sussex and her husband, Prince Harry, stepped back from their royal responsibilities and moved to America, the couple has made waves with their various charitable acts in response to the Coronavirus Pandemic.

In the midst of the first wave, Prince Harry and Meghan donated hundreds of pounds of herbal teas to the Boston Men’s Homeless Shelter, which was met with mixed and milky responses, and some tea was even dumped in the harbor. Prince Harry then donated all of his earnings from an Audi ad-campaign to various charities. The Audi campaign compared the brand’s new SUV to the shabby Mercedes-Benz W140: the very car Princess Diana got all crunched up in.

Most recently, Meghan Markle offered a new service to American citizens who desire to see what Covid is really all about. As she has been campaigning for Corona awareness around the country, Ms. Markle stepped up her promise in a speech in Southern California, her native state.

“I’ve come to realize that I must get face to face with American citizens in order to fully explain the severe consequences of catching the Covid virus. This project won’t be easy, especially on my own health, but I find it necessary to make the message clear. For the meager price of twenty quid, I will meet with American citizens one-on-one, discuss the necessary facts, and then spit in their mouths. Thank you.”

The masked audience applauded the Duchess’s valiant effort to convince American consumers of the dire nature of COVID. Even before the announcement was over, a line of eager open-mouthers had already formed around the royal couple’s Montecito estate. One man in line exclaimed his excitement at the potential for a royal, diseased lugie going down his thrussy: “The hospital bills will be killer, but I always wanted royal blood in me. Any bodily liquid will do, though.”

After gobbing down scores of gargling gullet-holes, Ms. Markle announced that she would donate 5% of the total profits. “We’ll be keeping the rest for ourselves, as the move back to the UK will be quite expensive. Thank you America, from the bottoms of our hearts, for letting us teach you about this horrible plague, for supporting our incredibly wealthy whims, and, personally, for letting me spit down your yellow-teethed, cavity-ridden, cum-and-coffee-breathed, fucking Swiss-cheese looking mouths. You’re all a bunch of gimp bitches. Thank you.”