Elizabeth II, Queen of England, Takes a Shit

In perhaps the greatest scandal in British history since Prince Charles was caught repatriating stolen British artifacts to their home countries, the entire country is in disarray as it has been revealed that Queen Elizabeth II poops. Yes, you heard it here first: the highest power in the land, a woman who wields legal immunity and the ability to dismiss the Prime Minister, takes fat dookies before wiping her 94-year-old ass and smiling to the public like it never even happened.

Critics of the Queen were quick to jump on this news, pointing out that predecessors like Queen Victoria and Elizabeth I managed to colonize half the planet while the current queen seems to just be dawdling on the crapper. The very same critics reminisced on the times when Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister. Thatcher, who preferred to hold her poop in, earned the nickname “The Iron Lady” because she was so full of shit that her pressurized body was as dense as metal.

While it had often been theorized that QEII attended to her porcelain throne just as she did her royal one, no one had ever suspected anything actually happened other than the occasional tea-colored tinkle, much less squeezing out a daily Diamond Jubilee.

It is currently unknown what the size of Her Highness’ shit is like, whether it is large and intimidating or split into smaller pooplets. Supporters of the royal family during this trying time can only hope that the poop has a normal consistency and not as fucked up as her teeth.

To get a better understanding of the situation, the Spoke reached out to licensed poop expert Taro Gomi, author of the critically acclaimed best-seller “Everyone Poops.” “Before now, scientists in the field really had no idea whether people like the Queen, Michelle Obama, and all of ABBA pooped, but this information is really going to revolutionize the field. Now research can really start to get into the details: how often does the Queen poop? How smelly is it? These are questions only science can answer.”

Perhaps it’s even reassuring that the Queen hunkers down and rides the Hershey highway like the rest of us.