A Holly Dolly Christmas Is Exactly What 2020 Needed

The world may be crumbling under a deadly pandemic, climate change, and institutionalized racism, but Dolly Parton released a brilliantly titled Christmas album that makes life still worth living. So, put your feet up by the latest forest fire and forget your crippling existential crisis by listening to yet another masterpiece by the country queen herself.

You must hear this 74-year-old badass flirt with the other artists featured on her songs. Her rendition of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” with Jimmy Fallon is extra spicy. There’s so much tension in the will-they-won’t-they undertones throughout the song. Earth heats up even more every time she tells Jimmy Fallon she wants him. It cools down when he says it back, though. Please listen until the end when she calls him a “sexy boy.” I do not remember that part in the original, but honestly, it adds the perfect twist.

Okay, but Dolly lied. She wants other things for Christmas. Namely, Michael Bublé, who accompanies her on the track that makes you want to grind on your boo at your family’s holiday dinner, “Cuddle Up, Cozy Down Christmas.” I mean, I get it, what’s a holiday album without his voluptuous voice? But come on, Dolly, if you’re reading this, you can’t just lead Jimmy on like that. And what about your husband? Are y’all just a cool old couple in an open marriage? A very open one at that? Is Willie Nelson next?

Dolly doesn’t need any man, though. The stand out tracks are her solo takes on the classics, especially “Holly Jolly Christmas.” She talks to us for a solid five minutes in the bridge about how she got the idea for her album from this song. So intelligent. We do not deserve her.

Plus, there’s a Hannah Montana reunion! Just what we needed in our holiday tunes. Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus accompany Aunt Dolly in two different songs that take you back to simpler times when the biggest threat to our society was that greedy twat Rico.

You also must appreciate the album cover. You literally can’t miss it. She’s 74 and still has a rockin’ bod. She’s not afraid to show it. Or dress it up like a Christmas ornament. I don’t know what you’re waiting for anymore. Sit back with your hot cocoa and distract yourself from these terrifying times by pondering how you’ll never live up to the powerful success that is Dolly Parton.