Student Stranded in Breakout Room Alone Opens Up About Her Breakout Breakdown

With the new semester online, an out of touch administrator thought of yet another hellspawn to “help” students - breakout rooms. After all, what could go wrong with putting a bunch of sleep deprived students into randomly assigned rooms to do classwork on a reading that none of them did?

Ash E. Kuchy is a student who recounted an especially excruciating experience. “It was October 14th at 11:07am. My biology professor announced that we would be going into breakout rooms, so I scrambled to grab a shirt and took off my nipple clamps so that I could turn my video on,” she said. “I didn’t know what was going on in class because I had been unable to focus the whole semester. Obviously that was my own fault since online school is just as effective as in-person learning, so it makes sense that I’m being held to the same standards as before.”

“I still remember ‘Breakout Room 7’ pasted on the screen. I hit that blue button to join, unknowingly sealing my fate. The first minute was kind of normal. You assume that the other people in your group are taking a shit or something so they’re away from their computer for the moment.” Kuchy took a break at this point to collect herself before continuing. “But as the minutes rolled on, I could feel the sweat beading in between my toes. I didn’t know if I should tell the professor or just go on waiting. My life flashed before my eyes. I saw my mom who had been out to get milk for the past 14 years. I even puked a bit, but I managed to keep it in my mouth.”

“Just when I was starting to calm down again, my internet cut out and kicked me off the Zoom call. I rejoined the main room where it was just me and the professor yelling at their kid. The sounds of scream crying actually relaxed me since it reminded me of my own family. They didn’t even notice me until a few minutes in when they said, ‘Oh Ash! You must have finished really early! What did you guys talk about?’ Unfortunately, I was still holding the puke in my cheeks from earlier. After a few minutes of painfully awkward 👁👄👁, everyone else came back, so I was finally able to re-swallow this morning’s oatmeal and my stepbrother’s children.”

Kuchy encourages her fellow students to prepare an emergency kit for situations like these, including high quality anti-nausea medication, Q-tips for the toe sweat, and a handle of Tito’s.