1. Sweat juice cleanse

Collect your sweat through the day and drink it for dinner every night for a month. Results work best if you collect the sweat after an intensive workout or, one of those soul wrenching shits you take that make you pray to God. Your body is a machine: sweat, drink, repeat.

2. Cocaine

Rail 20 lines of cocaine periodically through the day so it acts like an appetite suppressant. Recommended by Anne Hathaway and Post Malone. This method can be costly, but, once you develop the addiction it's smooth sailing from there. Whether it's selling your body or robbing your Grandma (dad’s side), you’ll find a way to pay for it.

3. Have a baby

Get pregnant and gain over 20 pounds so that when you give birth and lose 10 from the baby, it seems like you've lost weight. Your underweight, premature, grimy, and disgusting love child screaming for your titty milk at 3 AM will destroy any appetite you may have. Except for wine, which the baby also gets through breastmilk. A drunk baby is better than a sober one.

4. Hire someone

Hire someone (preferably off of Craigslist) to slap you everytime you eat something that contains carbs or nonorganic sugar. You’ll have to put out an ad that may attract some creeps, but let's be real...you're the only creep here.

5. Detox tea

Drink one of those ridiculous detox tea sets that's endorsed by the Kardashians for a month that makes you shit out everything humanly possible (may cause hemorrhoids). Laxatives will yield the same results, but something about spending $30 for a pack of tea seems more productive than actually eating healthy and working out.

6. Electric collar

Similar to tip 4 but more COVID friendly. Buy a collar (cheap ones can be found on amazon or your local sex shop) and shock yourself whenever you think about eating a cupcake or satanic GMO food. This is great if you’re on a budget since it can double as a sex toy for the next Tinder hookup you have with some skinny white boy who thinks Tame Impala is alt indie.

7. Become insanely depressed

brain sad, no eat

8. Join

9. A

10. Gym

You won’t go you lazy fuck, so you can just skip these and do the cocaine like you were going to anyway. The money you spend on the gym that you'll never go to can pay for rehab AND another 20 lines of coke. You can end an addiction easier than you can end a gym membership.